Ah, Putrefaction!

You’re turning blue; such a lovely colour for you.

Getting to this point is the absolute worst. When for no reason suddenly you just feel sad and you can’t shake it and all those shitty feelings of not being good enough or just not being enough at all invade your head all the goddamn time. And there’s no control and no space and i feel like i can’t breathe by myself anymore. Not that i don’t want to — that’s all i want — to be by myself for a while. And i just feel so unworthy of everyone and i don’t want to be around anyone and bring them down or anything but i don’t know what to do at this point. And it fucking sucks that the biggest mistake of my life is one that i have to see on a regular basis because of course i have to work with him. And i hate that i let anything ever happen. Because now stupid things put him in my head and just makes me feel worse about everything. Cheaters never prosper right? Well why am i left in the shit while everything is fine for everyone else?? I just want some space back. Some time. Some control. Instead of feeling like i’m just inhabiting someone else’s all the time. And i’m so sick of living with someone that has the maturity level beneath that of a fucking sperm cell. And having people in my house that can’t even comprehend how to read the goddamn time or put a simple sentence together. I’m sick of hearing how stoned everyone is. Or how drunk everyone is. Or how much fucking fun they’re having. I’m too tired to care about having fun anymore. And i’m so tired of not being able to trust people. I just want someone new to come into my life and give me an outlet — give me something to devote my time and energy to instead of having to focus it on finding reasons to not go home. I’m sick of crying whenever i have five minutes to myself. I wish that he was a better person — a more adult person. I wish that i was stronger too and that i wouldn’t let this shit get to me.

And i hate these fucking posts.

But on the plus side, i feel a bit better now.

5 months ago -

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